ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
Friday, April 13, 2007
2 highlights of the past month: my birthday and brandon's birthday. woah it's already been like 2 weeks since they passed.
my birthday was cool. thanks for the birthday wishes/ smses/ calls/ cards/ hugs/ presents etc. the guys surprised me once again. stepped into the house and everything looked perfectly normal (oh fine i was a bit blur) until i looked up and i saw balloons (!) and when on the way to my room i passed by the dining table and saw them hiding under it -.- they gave me a notebook with cool stuff (ie some of my baby/ toddler photos. =D) ahh peiling was touched yesyes. birthdays are special, but come to think of it, it comes and goes just like that. it's been 2 weeks since my birthday and it doesnt feel like it.
thanks guys i really appreciate it (yes despite me going "i cant stand all of you! how can you do such a thing without informing me!). i mean since school's started, all of you definitely have tons of homework to do, cca trainings and a whole list of things waiting for you to complete. and you guys must have come really early to like get the place done up and all so thanks, really.
brandon's birthday was good too. aunty amy and uncle henry had a birthday dinner for him at some seafood place. needless to say we had a great time, being spastic and all. once again happy 17th birthday dude. (it's cool that your birthday is one day AFTER mine. ha i still win anyway)
[edit] ahh i forgot to add in an important part! the youths had a celebration for brandon and my birthday on april fools day! they told me to go to church then when i reached there i saw noone and they said they're at lionel's house and later kembangan plaza and finally ecp -.- MADE ME GO ROUND AND ROUND PLEASE. but it was cool. we had a barbeque (well somewhat) and games! and we played the the game some taiwanese variety show plays. basically you're supposed to suan/ slam the other person and that person has to always go "that's right!" even if it's untrue/ something very mean, within 20 seconds. everyone who was my opponent tried to use the brandon thing against me but yo man, these kind of things dont affect me la. "brandon and you are more than friends right?" "that's right! we're best friends. -grins." "brandon and you have special feelings for one another right?" "uhhh... that's right!" "ah whatever brandon's your boyfriend right?" "ha THAT'S RIGHT! lucky me eh -grins widely." IM PRO MAN. i rock at this game. [/edit]
ive been busy the past weeks/ months. but i loved the movie they showed during the combined gb/bb event thing. "facing the giants" im so going to get someone to buy me that. or i'll just buy it myself. i think it's a really encouraging film, and i think everyone who was present could somehow relate to it, though i think none of us has any direct relation to rugby etc. nicole's lj post made me sound so unfeeling la D: but yes i did indeed not cry. i could somewhat feel the tears behind my eyes and could cry if i wanted to but obviously peiling didnt want to. hahah the wonderful art of masking feelings. but i realise that im sensitive to people crying around me ie i know when people are crying. powerful me eh.
the film was a very good reminder. but despite all that the film spoke to me about, when things start going off and all, everything simply flies out the window. it's been exhausting, and honestly im sick of it all. well okay maybe sick is not the right word to use because i wouldnt like to drop any of them. but giving up seems to be the best solution. it always does doesnt it. to just sit back and do nothing about all my responsibilites. but it benefits no one, so what's the point? but yet it's so tiring to keep going, to keep moving forward and constantly trying to reassure yourself that hey everythings going to work out and leave everything in His hands. it's easier said than done. but im wondering why ive been taking on so many commitments this year. my mum's convinced that im at my max and cant handle so many commitments because ive been sleeping late and get a fever at night every few days, it's a bit freaky actually. granted, im feeling worn-out i wont deny that. but i believe and know that i can handle them (but please not when im physically/ mentally and most importantly spiritually tired) and i should prove to her that i can. it's been the sense of responsibility that has keeping me going. yeah it's rather sad, it's not by relying on His strength, but by the sense of responsibility. rawr.
uncle andrew told me 2 days ago that the elders want to meet up with me on saturday at 10am. please tell me how freaky that is please. even though i know most if not all of the elders personally but still... knowing the past camp commandants help but like the youngest we've had so far is linus, who was like 19 last year and im 4 years younger. apparently they met with him too (since he was the youngest commandant then) but ahhh. ive no idea what they're going to say. maybe i should just tell them that i dont want to be commandant anymore. but yet there's still this voice inside of me that tells me to take it up.
took this test from the link from delia's blog. took it like 1-2 years ago? and i do NOT remember getting anything as un-positive as this. it's somewhat accurate man what is going on.
"Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict.
Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you.
Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.
Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.
You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality."
ahh i relate to the 1st 2nd and a little of the 3rd paragraph."your confidence has been shattered" somehow that sentence just screams in my face. i dont know just a couple of months/ a year ago i would have been somewhat confident that i can do everything to the best of my ability. but now i feel so unsure of every single thing that i do. i know im becoming stressed. symptoms: my skin's starting to tear, faint dark circles around my eyes are appearing, i become less patient etc. and so i apologise to everyone ive snapped at at some point in time. and now im starting to become stressed over school or more specifically stupid relations and functions. maybe because ive not exactly been paying attention in class etc. though it helps to have sherlyn since she's such a genius x)
okay now despite me panicking and all over tomorrow, i shall stick to my thing and i shall be thankful for someone! today shall be linus' turn.
linus is a wonderful guy (elizabeth is one lucky girl man x)) anyway he's really mature for his age and offers good advice. working with him last year for youth camp was a real joy, because he balances work and play really well and is able to maintain peace within the entire comm despite all the disagreements etc. and for the past 2 days, he's been reassuring me that the meeting with the elders will go fine and has been very encouraging. honestly i think if not for the talk i had with him when the whole thing about the camp commandant thing came up, i would have said no. but now im wondering whether i should indeed say no and let someone who is more experienced and has confidence to do a better job do it so yes, i would like to thank God for linus.
---
i wish i know what to do. i hate feeling so helpless and lost and relying on the very little energy that i have left.
man give me a break.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
